THE NAUGHTY DOCTOR: THE COMPLETE SERIES

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Now one might assume that having a large man hold my butt cheeks apart while my ass is sliced up is the embarrassing part but not so much. After the doctor finishes with the stitched, the nurse comes in and hands me a maxi-pad. The only reprieve I got that day was that she at least vacated premises before I had unleashed a post-procedure barium monsoon in the bathroom.

He then turns to the doctors assistant who was also in the room and says “Can you get Kelly for me?”. Obviously, I’m not thrilled at two people already having peered deeply into my soul from the bottom up, and I’m not really keen on a third observer. The doctor then proceeds to tell me what is about to happen. I was at the eye doctor. He was examining my eye and he said, “OK, now open wide.” I opened my mouth as wide as it would go and waited. An uncomfortable moment passed before he said, “I meant your eye.” So the first available doctor is a man in his mid early 50s I‘d guess. He starts off our encounter seeming somewhat suspicious that this is something I should be able to do myself- like maybe I am a fetishist/ bored/ whatever but I‘m probably definitely wasting his time. We go to an urgent care hospital, and as soon as I get some anesthesia I’ve stopped thrashing and they can properly diagnose me. I have a Testicular torsion.[1] in my left testicle. So this doctor and his interns (women, too. Sigh.) come in and the doctor flips my scrubs to reveal the goods. After massaging me for what felt like hours, he stares at my junk for a long time, before telling me that “The consistency is right, you have a nice scrotum kid. Too bad you need to have surgery.” Then I saw it. A shiny metal speculum sitting out on the counter by the sink, with a pair of rubber gloves draped over top of it. It looked as if the gloves were put there to obscure the view of the speculum. I studied it from the exam table, and could not imagine that this gleaming instrument would soon be inside my vagina. I shuddered, and wondered what it would feel like to have metal inside me.

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But, I did, and I just sat my heels in them and waited. But I didn’t know I was supposed to slide all the way down the table, and she had to ask me to do that. Now she had moved around the table from the side to the area at the foot of the table, between the stirrups, and was standing between the stirrups. I was surprised when she asked me to slide down, and I started scooting down, while trying to keep my knees together a little bit. I slid down, and stopped. She said, “further”. I moved down more. She said “keep coming this way”, I moved down more, and she said “just keep sliding down until you feel like you’re going to fall off the table”! So, I did, still keeping my legs together a little bit. She returned and told me she would give me a prescription for the yeast infection, and it was nothing to worry about. “Let’s do the rest of your exam now” she said. I heard the snap of rubber gloves. I couldn’t imagine how much more there was…I thought she would just look between my legs a bit more, and that would be it. I was wrong. She began by separating my outer lips with both hands, and running her fingers down both sides of my vagina. After these pleasantries, I’m lying on the exam table, staring at the ceiling, just waiting for the whole ordeal to end, when she seems to get upset, and readjusts an electrode she just put on me. She then says “Stop distracting me!” I should mention, the room was very cold, and my chest, well- you know what happens. A friend of a friend went to jump over a metal fence and slipped. He just jumped over and kept going. Suddenly he started feeling dizzy. He looks down, and there’s a huge hole in his pants and there’s blood everywhere. They get to the ER, he drops his pants, and the Dr goes, “Welp. You have 2 anuses.” Eventually they were able to get it out (blood was everywhere) and I learned from a nurse who also uses a diva cup is that the instructions that say to relax your muscles are completely wrong and you need to push it out.

Because of the location of the gash, I had to remove my shorts and underwear so that she could get at it and I was given a small washcloth-type thing to protect my modesty. So she sets to work sewing me up, leaning over the top of me, her boobs pressing into the side of my leg, her breath slowly blowing over my cloth-covered loins, and I couldn’t stop it. I got that feeling, you know, the 8am-Math-class-hot-girl-sitting-next-to-you-in-short-shorts-better-move-the-textbook-to-my-lap feeling. Sure enough, after about 20 stitches the cloth starts to swell, and then peak, and then push to the side. Had some crazy health problems in college and had to see a cardiologist. So I have to take my top off, as well as any metal jewelry and lay on the table. Weeks before I’d gotten my nipples pierced but just completely forgotten about them (female, btw). So he’s doing the scan or whatever, basically an ultrasound of my heart, and mentions again that jewelry interferes with the scanner–casually trying to get me to take the rings out. So I realize, he politely turns away and I try to remove the captive ball rings. When I was 11 and my sister was 9 I remember her one time getting her temperature rectally by our family doctor atShe slid it out, and I still felt wide open. I wished my vagina would “close” again! I was ready to sit up, when she said, “We’re not finished here yet. Just keep your legs spread nice and wide for me.” As soon as the Doctor took a look he said “Ok, this thing is about to burst, we need to cut it out.” So we all exchange awkward hellos and introductions. I tried to make some jokes that bombed and for some reason kept trying to joke my way out of being nearly naked in front of her. And as she starts inserting a fresh new speculum, “grandma” looks at me and says: “My, aren’t we just getting tagged-teamed today?”