Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

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In light of Fern’s book, it was funny for me to re-read the part of my journal that covers the time when I pair-bonded with my other partner Angela, with whom I’ve also developed an attachment. In my recording of events, I was watching Michelle watching me watching Angela. What I was really watching, I realized on reading Polysecure, was our attachment: As I opened myself to feeling connected and secure with Angela, I didn’t want to damage the attachment I had with Michelle. First, I want to thank the author for putting this book out there. I think it's a valuable addition to any poly bookshelf. I also have to say though, that I was ultimately a little disappointed. Benson, K. L. (2017). Tensions of subjectivity: The instability of queer polyamorous identity and community. Sexualities, 20(1–2), 24–40. Though I personally don’t know if I’d be into poly, a lot of what Fern lays out in the book applies to those in monogamous relationships too. I think if you’re already somewhat well-versed in attachment theory, this book may be mostly a review — I recently read Attached and found that a lot of the concepts were repeated. But regardless, I think the interpersonal skills required to have fulfilling attachment-based relationships in a poly context are incredibly relevant for everyone, regardless of whether they are in poly or monogamous relationships.

Fraley, R. C., Heffernan, M. E., Vicary, A. M., & Brumbaugh, C. C. (2011a). The experiences in close relationships – relationship structures questionnaire: A method for assessing attachment orientations across relationships. Psychological Assessment, 23(3), 615–625. There are more than a few books out there about how nonmonogamy works. We haven't moved very far past them, most books are about what it is, how it works, the basics. But for regular relationships, those kinds of books don't really exist. For monogamous relationships, though, you have a seemingly infinite number of self-help books about how to make your relationships better. But these books are pretty useless for consensually nonmonogamous people. What is normal for monogamous relationships, the benchmarks, the agreements, etc., is not at all similar to what CNM people (as Fern calls them) have. POLYSECURE wants to be a relationship self-help book for people in nonmonogamous relationships, specifically people thinking about attachment styles. It is successful at what it sets out to do, though some of the task Fern has taken on slows her down a bit. But it's still so unusual to see this kind of book in the world that it feels radical. Our boundaries are the ways we protect ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally. They are how we establish our sovereignty, as well as how we open ourselves to others. Our boundaries are the meeting point between ourselves and another - the point at which we can be both separate and connected."Fern critiques the prevailing assumption that healthy relationships are dyadic by in the field of attachment theory, and that behaviours out of the monogamous model is associated with insecure attachment styles. She additionally proposes that monogamous relationships may rely on the relationship structure rather than secure attachment to function. Howes, C., & Spieker, S. (2008). Attachment relationships in the context of multiple caregivers. In J. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (pp. 317–332). The Guilford Press. Polysecure are involved in the supply and design of flexible film products for the safe transfer of valuable items using Balzarini, R. N., et al. (2017). Perceptions of primary and secondary relationships in polyamory. PLoS ONE, 12(5), e0177841. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone0177841

Was mir als "analytischem" Typen sehr gefallen hat, ist, dass das Buch überhaupt nicht, wie viele andere Beziehungsbücher, irgendwelche esoterische, wischi-waschi Ratschläge gibt, sondern komplett evidenzbasiert ist (die Autorin macht regelmäßig Verweise auf die entsprechenden Studien und Literatur). We ultimately developed a rare depth of attachment; we’re secure enough so that we’ve been able to love others without weakening our bond. In fact, loving other people (and kids and cats) together has strengthened our relationship. A practical guide to nurturing healthy, loving non-monogamous relationships using attachment theory. Fern is a therapist who specializes in nonmonogamy, and who is actually nonmonogamous herself. That goes a long way in establishing the kind of trust that's necessary for the reader. She is mostly operating in the theoretical here and the book is not heavy on real-life examples, but what she shares is so practical that it doesn't really need them. Sometimes Fern will tell us about a client's story or share one of her own, but she doesn't get bogged down in it.It would be a shame, however, if only polyamorous people read Polysecure—because, as this book reveals, polyamorous relationships have a great deal to teach everyone about how to create dependable, enduring connections with others. Attachment theory basics Dr. Ian Jenkins and his partners, Jeremy Hodges and Dr. Alan Mayfield—a polyamorous throuple—made history when they became the first family in California to list three parents on a birth certificate. This month, Jenkins published a book about their journey to parenthood, Three Dads and a Baby (Cleis Press).

Ka, W. L., Bottcher, S., & Walker, B. R. (2020). Attitudes toward consensual non-monogamy predicted by sociosexual behavior and avoidant attachment. Current Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-020-00941-8 Ein-Dor, T. (2014). Facing danger: How do people behave in times of need? The case of adult attachment styles. Frontiers in Psychology, 5, 1452.Meyer, I. H., & Frost, D. M. (2013). Minority stress and the health of sexual minorities. In C. J. Patterson & A. R. D’Augelli (Eds.), Handbook of psychology and sexual orientation (pp. 252–266). Oxford University Press. Simpson, J. A., et al. (2011). Attachment and the management of empathic accuracy in relationship-threatening situations. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37(2), 242–254.